(bing bong) CAROLYN: Ladies and gentlemen, we will shortly be landing in St Petersburg. We do hope you enjoyed your visit to Saint-Tropez, and to those of you who managed to find a luxury yacht to your liking, we rejoice at your success. And to those of you who remain tragically un-be-yachted, our hearts go out to you at this difficult time. Oh and because someone asked me earlier – let me assure you that the cabin crew like to think of ourselves as your hosts, and would be insulted to be offered a tip. (bing bong) DOUGLAS: The pilots however, like to think of themselves as your pilots. Please slide your insults under the flight deck door. -----------------------------OPENING CREDITS – This week, St Petersburg! ----------------------------- (flight deck door opening) DOUGLAS: Exterior checks completed. MARTIN: That was very quick. DOUGLAS: Yes. Well at 6am in St Petersburg in February, one does not tend to dawdle. It’s definitely our plane and the wings are on it, that’ll do me. Now, Carolyn, can I have the keys to the drinks cupboard I need some vodka. CAROLYN: Why certainly Douglas, the perfect pre-flight treat for a man who hasn’t drunk for a decade. And can I tempt you with a little heroin to follow? DOUGLAS: Seriously Carolyn, it’s important. MARTIN: What on earth do you need vodka for? DOUGLAS: Well on the walk round, though brief, I did notice one small problem with the otherwise entirely airworthy plane. MARTIN: Yes? DOUGLAS: It has an Arthur stuck to the side of it. MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: Apparently he couldn’t open the hold door with his thick gloves on, so he took one off. And now his hand is frozen to the door handle. CAROLYN: Oh stupid boy. (she throws the keys to Douglas) Here. ------------------------------------------------------ (howling wind and footsteps) ARTHUR: (breathlessly) Oh hello chaps! Glad you came back! Cold isn’t it? CAROLYN: Why vodka Douglas? Can’t you use hot water? DOUGLAS: If you want to encase his hand in ice, yes. Alcohol has a much lower freezing point, so you can use it as a lubricant. (Douglas pours vodka over Arthur’s hand) DOUGLAS: There you go Arthur. ARTHUR: Ohh, thank you Douglas. DOUGLAS: Now put your glove back on and come inside. CAROLYN: Douglas, this is our best Stolichnaya. DOUGLAS: Mmm, doesn’t it smell good? ARTHUR: (spoken through a mouthful of keys) Err, Douglas? Small problem. I was trying to put my glove back on so I just- DOUGLAS: Put the keys in your mouth. Of course you did. Carolyn, vodka please. ------------------------ MARTIN: Post take off checks complete. DOUGLAS: Thank you Martin. (beep to open intercom) How is Arthur? CAROLYN: (over intercom) Sore lipped and accidentally drunk. ARTHUR: (indistinctly, in background) Should just stop being hurting now! CAROLYN: (over intercom) I can see the next three hours are going to fly by on gilded wings. DOUGLAS: Have fun. (beep to terminate intercom) Alright then Martin – rhyming journeys. MARTIN: Hmm? DOUGLAS: Vienna to Sienna. MARTIN: Oh right. Okay! (long pause) Er ... DOUGLAS: Poole to Goole. MARTIN: Good one! Er ... DOUGLAS: Aruba to Cuba. MARTIN: Oh give me a chance! Oh, York to New York! DOUGLAS: Yes. Ish. Or, York to Cork. MARTIN: Oh damn, alright. Um, Paris to ... (mumbles) Baris, Caris, Daris, Faris ... oh oh, how about Peterborough to – (fizzly, electric sounds, alarm beeping) MARTIN: Argh! DOUGLAS: Christ! Engine, fire number two engine. MARTIN: Oh God er, engine fire check list number two engine. DOUGLAS: Engine fire check list number two engine Captain. Number two thrust lever? MARTIN: Yes. DOUGLAS: Closed. Number two fuel control switch? MARTIN: Yes, yes! DOUGLAS: Number two fuel control switch to cut off, number two fire handle check? MARTIN: Yes! DOUGLAS: Number two fire handle pull, number one extinguisher fired, stopwatch started, fire bell cancel. MARTIN: (over sat comm) Mayday mayday, Golf, Echo, Romeo, Tango, India – suspected bird strike, we have one engine on fire. Request immediate return and priority landing St Petersburg. RUSSIAN ATC: Golf Tango India, roger your mayday, continue as cleared contact Pulkovo approach one two four decimal two. MARTIN: Roger, one two four decimal two. RUSSIAN ATC: Good luck. DOUGLAS: Fire is out Captain. One two four decimal two is selected. Martin, do you want me to land it? MARTIN: No, I’ll do it. DOUGLAS: Okay. ----------------------- (background chattering of an airport lounge) ARTHUR: Here you are Skip – nice hot cup of coffee. MARTIN: (sighs and slurps) Oh, it’s cold. ARTHUR: Nice cup of coffee. MARTIN: It’s horrible! ARTHUR: Cup of coffee. MARTIN: I’m not even sure it is coffee. ARTHUR: Cup. How’re you feeling? MARTIN: Feeling? Feeling -I’m feeling – feeling fine, why- why do you ask, I’m absolutely fine, fine. How, er, how, how’re you, sobered up? Have you? ARTHUR: Yeah, I have actually. It turns out a really good cure for being drunk is when you’re on a plane and then an engine explodes and you think you’re gonna die. MARTIN: Should write in to the British Medical Journal. ARTHUR: We didn’t die though did we? MARTIN: No. No, no we didn’t. ARTHUR: Because you landed us. Brilliantly. MARTIN: Wasn’t bad, was it? ARTHUR: It was amazing! Mum and me thought Douglas must have done it! MARTIN: Oh thanks a lot. ARTHUR: No but I mean, it was like he did it, but you did it! MARTIN: Oh all right. Thank you. (Douglas and Carolyn approaching) DOUGLAS: Martin. MARTIN: Hello, what’s the news? CAROLYN: Bird strike, as we thought. DOUGLAS: A big one, probably a goose. ARTHUR: Oh no, is it all right? DOUGLAS: What, the goose? Yes Arthur, it’s fine. It’ll have a bit of a headache, but a hell of a story for the goslings. ARTHUR: Phew. CAROLYN: The engine however, is a write off. MARTIN: Yes, I thought it might be when I noticed that it was on fire. How much? CAROLYN: What to replace it? Well, about a quarter of a million pounds. MARTIN: (whistles) That’s a lot. CAROLYN: It is a lot isn’t it, I think it definitely qualifies as “a lot.” MARTIN: I- I mean presumably we’re insured? CAROLYN: Oh yes, up to the hilt, for public and passenger liability, so should the goose’s lawyers ever track us down and demand restitution we could pay them off without a second thought. The actual plane though, that’s down to me. ARTHUR: Hey, Douglas said the goose was all right! CAROLYN: Yes well he lied. Neither – neither goose nor Gertie are all right. So I’m afraid - this is it boys. You know how I’m always saying one little thing could be the end of MJN Air, well this is one absolutely massive thing. And – it’s all over. ARTHUR: But – can’t we sell Gertie? CAROLYN: Well I hope so, we’re going to have to. ARTHUR: Ah, okay. And then just buy another plane with the money. CAROLYN: No Arthur, if we’re very lucky indeed we might be able to sell Gertie, and with the money buy an ice cream van. ARTHUR: Wooooow. CAROLYN: Not seriously. Oh go and get us all coffee. ARTHUR: Righto. (Arthur leaves) MARTIN: I’m - I’m sorry Carolyn. CAROLYN: Well, we had a longer run than anyone expected. And if we had to go at least this is landing on Mayfair with a hotel. DOUGLAS: So what now, can we help? CAROLYN: I don’t know. I suppose we’ll have to find a way of selling an ancient, decrepit old plane that’s just been badly beaten in a fight with a goose. You got any ideas? MARTIN: Don’t suppose you could sell it for parts? DOUGLAS: Or – there’s always- CAROLYN: No. DOUGLAS: Really? CAROLYN: He’s not having it. DOUGLAS: He really wants it. CAROLYN: That is exactly why he’s not having it. I am not giving him the satisfaction. MARTIN: Who? DOUGLAS: Every year Carolyn gets a call from her ex-husband and former owner of Gertie, trying to persuade her to let him buy it back off her. MARTIN: Every year, why does he want it so much? CAROLYN: He is unbearably rich. Used to be his favourite toy and he hated that I got it in the divorce. It’s not that he wants it, he just wants me not to have it. DOUGLAS: Well the thing is Carolyn, at the moment, you also want you not to have it. (Arthur returning) ARTHUR: Coffees? Not have what? CAROLYN: Gertie. ARTHUR: Ah! Are you still worrying about that? DOUGLAS: It’s – it’s still nagging at the back of our minds Arthur, yes. CAROLYN: Arthur, listen to me – I’m serious. We are going to have to sell Gertie. Straight away. And we won’t be able to buy another plane. So this is the end of MJN Air. ARTHUR: Oh right. Okay! CAROLYN: What do you mean “okay”?! This really is going to happen, do you understand that? ARTHUR: Yeah, but – it won’t though, will it? CAROLYN: Why not? ARTHUR: Well Douglas will sort it out. CAROLYN: How? ARTHUR: I dunno! He’ll think of something clever. Like he always does. CAROLYN: Yes but this isn’t just a little fiddle over a bottle of wine or a bunch of orchids. It’s a quarter of a million pounds! I really don’t think he will this time. ARTHUR: Yes he will. DOUGLAS: Arthur, I won’t! Look, no one has a higher opinion of me than I do, but even I simply do not have the power to conjure up a quarter of a million pounds from nowhere! CAROLYN: So, there’s nothing else for it is there? DOUGLAS: I don’t think so. Sorry. And I’ve had to put her in a heated hangar, so the longer we wait the more expensive it gets. CAROLYN: Fine. I’ll call him. MARTIN: Now? It’s still five in the morning in Britain. CAROLYN: Ohhhh yes, well that’s something. (Carolyn leaves) ...
Heliniel