AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: Golf Tango India, I’m going to clear you to start after Golf Echo Echo. DOUGLAS: Thank you Carl, ready to go after Golf Echo. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: That’s Golf Echo Echo. DOUGLAS: Sorry Tower, I thought the second Echo was an echo. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: What? DOUGLAS: I thought you said Golf Echo…echo. When in fact, you said Golf Echo Echo. That is to say, I thought the first Echo was Echo, and the second echo was an echo of Echo. Whereas in fact both Echoes were Echoes and neither echo was an echo. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER: Then perhaps I better put you right to the back of the queue, while you check your radio equipment, shall I? DOUGLAS: Golf Tango India ready to follow Golf Echo Echo OPENING CREDITS. This week: Helsinki! -Douglas hums happily- MARTIN: Oh! Hello Douglas. Good Lord! DOUGLAS: Ah. Morning Martin. I wasn’t expecting you just yet. MARTIN: Evidently not! DOUGLAS: Have you picked up the weather? MARTIN: Uh, yes. North Sea turbulence, clear skies at Helsinki. DOUGLAS: Oh Jolly Good! MARTIN: Douglas I cannot help but notice, you’ve filled the flight deck with orchids. DOUGLAS: Yes. Yes, I have done that. Yes. MARTIN: Are you about to propose to me? DOUGLAS: It pains me to break your heart Martin, but no. These are for another man, a Finnish customs officer named Milo, to be exact. MARTIN: And what does he have that I don’t have? DOUGLAS: Fishcakes. MARTIN: Really? DOUGLAS: Also: salmon, turbot and langoustine. MARTIN: Oh Douglas, you’re not smuggling again… DOUGLAS: Absolutely not, perish the thought! A simple exchange of gifts! You see, a friend gave me these orchids when we were in Cyprus, as a token of appreciation, for the sixteen jars of béarnaise sauce I gave him, which were in turn an unwanted gift from a friend in Marseille. The orchids are lovely, but not quite my thing, so I shall pass them on to my friend in Helsinki, and who knows? He may wish to show his gratitude by presenting me with assorted fish, and fish products, which would be just the very thing for a friend of mine in Zurich. They’re rather short of fresh seafood in Switzerland…don’t know why. MARTIN: I see. But if you just keep bartering each thing along, what’s the point? DOUGLAS: Well put it this way: I have here about five hundred EUROS‘ worth of flowers, and I shall exchange them for about five hundred and sixty EUROS’ worth of fish. And I started three months ago with a cheese sandwich… right that's most of them hidden away, could you put this bunch under your seat? MARTIN: Ooof… ARTHUR: Good morning, good morning, good morning gents, teas, coffees, keys, toffees! DOUGLAS: Morning Arthur. You seem a little low-spirited… ARTHUR: Do I? DOUGLAS: No. MARTIN: What is it this time…? Did the numbers you would have picked in the lottery come up again? ARTHUR: Oh that was a great day, wasn’t it? Sixty thousand pounds! MARTIN: That you didn’t win. ARTHUR: But that’s what my numbers were worth! Brilliant! No, no, nothing like that. No, ah- let’s just say I’m really looking forward to meeting our passenger today. DOUGLAS: Oooh! Who is it? Let’s see…Mister Arthur Millener; stockbroker. Yes, he sounds enormous fun! CAROLYN: Oh you’re here already. What’re you doing in here? MARTIN: Arranging flowers. CAROLYN: Don’t get sarcastic with me! MARTIN: Sorry Carolyn. ARTHUR: Excuse me, back in a minute… CAROLYN: Right, you’ve got clear skies at Helsinki, your alternate is Stockholm, Douglas you operate out. DOUGLAS: Wilko. Who’s this Millener chap we’re flying then? Arthur seems very keen to meet him. CAROLYN: No idea. Internet booking payment's gone through fine, though, and so... ARTHUR: Happy Birthday!!! CAROLYN: Ohh you remembered!!! DOUGLAS: Oh yes! Happy Birthday! MARTIN: Yes! Happy birthday! ARTHUR: You thought I’d forgotten didn’t you? CAROLYN: Well I wasn’t sure… ARTHUR: Of course not! Not a special birthday like this one! CAROLYN: What’s so special about sixty-three? ARTHUR: Well you know, because of the song… Do you still like me, can you still see me? No, I’m sixty-three! DOUGLAS: Ah, that song. Carolyn you’re aware I had forgotten, aren’t you? CAROLYN: Yes, don't worry; I forgot to put any money on your expenses card. Paying for your own hotel room can be your present. DOUGLAS: That’s…that’s a very big present! CAROLYN: I know! I’m such a lucky girl! You shouldn’t have! MARTIN: I didn’t forget. CAROLYN: Didn’t you? DOUGLAS: Didn’t you? MARTIN: No, I… hid my present under my seat! It’s-these. CAROLYN: Oh orchids! How lovely! DOUGLAS: Gosh! How generous of you, Martin. MARTIN: Not that generous. DOUGLAS: Pretty generous, orchids are very expensive. MARTIN: Quite expensive, not all that expensive. DOUGLAS: You’d be surprised MARTIN: No, I wouldn’t! DOUGLAS: Yes, you will. ARTHUR: My present then, time for my present! CAROLYN: Yes I’m sorry dear, what is it? ARTHUR: Well it’s a pretty special one, and it’s in the cabin so, are you ready? CAROLYN: Yes. ARTHUR: Mum, it’s been fifteen years since you’ve seen her but today, for your birthday, get ready to meet…your sister Ruth! CAROLYN: Oh. ARTHUR: And her husband Philip, and her grandson Kieran… hurray! KIERAN: Aren’t you going to say anything to her, granny? RUTH: Well Kieran, when a lady is asked to drive a hundred and fifty miles to meet her sister, she naturally assumes it’s because her sister has something to say to her. But evidently not. CAROLYN: Arthur, during your no doubt-meticulous planning of this occasion, did it occur to you that if two sisters haven’t spoken for fifteen years, there might be a reason for it? ARTHUR: No. CAROLYN: Ah. Well regrettably you’ll have to tell your aunt she’s wasted her time. We are about to leave for Helsinki and I have much to do. ARTHUR: Aha! That’s the second part of my present. CAROLYN: What? ARTHUR: I booked the trip! So we can all go together! MARTIN: You booked the trip? DOUGLAS: You’re Arthur Millener? ARTHUR: Yes! MARTIN: Millener? Why Millener? ARTHUR: Because it’s not my name but it sounds like a name that someone might have. MARTIN: And Arthur? ARTHUR: That was the clever bit, it’s the last name you’d expect me to use, because it actually is my name! DOUGLAS: To be honest Arthur, I think the moment you decided to book your aunt on a fake flight to Helsinki you had us on the back foot…expectations wise. CAROLYN: Arthur, a word with you in the galley ARTHUR: I don’t want to. CAROLYN: I want you to. DOUGLAS: Oh dear. This is a little awkward, isn’t it? RUTH: It’s not awkward for me DOUGLAS: Oh good. Just the rest of us then. RUTH: No.No it’s not awkward for my husband, it’s not awkward for my grandson, we’ve nothing to feel awkward about; we accepted an invitation in good faith. DOUGLAS: So Philip, what line of work are you in? RUTH: My husband’s deaf DOUGLAS: Ah. That explains much. RUTH: What does it explain? DOUGLAS: Why he can’t hear me. KIERAN: Are you the captain? DOUGLAS: No, I’m the first officer, this is the… MARTIN: I'm the captain. KIERAN: You’re very young to be a captain. MARTIN: Oh for goodness sake, you’re an actual child! KIERAN: No, I mean, wow! You’re very young to be a captain! Did you display exceptional leadership skills and goal focus? MARTIN: Ah well, it’s not for me to say DOUGLAS: And yet, and yet… KIERAN: Because I also display exceptional leadership skills and goal focus. And that’s a verbatim quote from my report. Are you prepared to share the techniques of your success? MARTIN: Oh well, yes, there’s probably a tip or two I can pass along. What do you say we have you up in the flight deck once we get under way, eh? KIERAN: I am delighted to accept! DOUGLAS: And the small matter of the anti-terrorism laws, captain? MARTIN: Ohh let’s not get too hide-bound by rules and regs, eh number one? DOUGLAS: Number one? MARTIN: Douglas. RUTH: And when will we be getting under way, might I ask? DOUGLAS: Ah. Of course, not having seen your sister for so long, it’s possible you may have missed certain subtle signs just now that would warn the experienced Carolyn watcher not to bank on seeing Helsinki today. Sorry to rain on your parade Martin. MARTIN: No, no, no, my parade’s fine. Bone dry. Bad news for the import/export parade though I’d have thought. I wonder how long fresh orchids keep. DOUGLAS: Ah. Excuse me for a moment. CAROLYN: And how did you even pay for it? ARTHUR: With a credit card, online. CAROLYN: You don't have a credit card. ARTHUR: Your credit card. CAROLYN: My credit card!? ARTHUR: No because it doesn’t matter, because it’s your plane, so you’re just paying yourself, it’s free! CAROLYN: The fuel’s not free, the landing fees are not free, the business we would have had if Mister Arthur-idiot-Millener hadn't been hogging the plane isn’t free. Ah, Douglas, good. Arthur, go and tell Ruth and her hangers on to sling their collective hook. ARTHUR: Ok. Sorry mum. CAROLYN: And Douglas, cancel the flight plan. DOUGLAS: Are you sure? CAROLYN: Of course I’m sure! I’m not spending time and fuel taking my rotten sister on a jolly to Finland. DOUGLAS: You know best. She did come all this way… CAROLYN: Because she smelt a freebie! DOUGLAS: Maybe. She still came though. And then there’s Arthur. Internet booking, pseudonym, secret phone calls to Lancashire. That’s a lot of work he put in, especially for an idiot. CAROLYN: Now just call me a cynical old bat… DOUGLAS:*Inhales* CAROLYN: Don't even think about it. But is it entirely without the bounds of possibility that you have an ulterior motive for this trip going ahead? DOUGLAS: Carolyn, I hope you know me better than that. At any given moment I never have fewer than seven ulterior motives in play -...
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